Monday 5 October 2015

Me on Monday ~ The "It's Not Me, It's You" Edition

Friday found me on top of a very high hill, surveying the wonderful landscape below. Counting my blessings and blowing away the cobwebs, after a long night/early morning, calming an extremely distressed young man. I've never tried talking anyone down from a panic attack over the phone before. The good news is, it can be done, even at a distance of 100 plus miles away. However, I don't recommend it!

























We decided it best to drive down and bring him home, after lectures on Friday, to defuse the difficult situation with his flatmates. He has told them about his Asperger's, which seemed to help at first, but they don't really understand what it means in terms of his every day struggles. Why should they? They are eighteen years old and just want to have a good time.

They don't get that he doesn't want to drink to excess and feel out of control. They don't get that he can't cope in large crowds or with a lot of noise. That pretty much ruled out him getting involved with anything that was going on during Fresher's Week. They now think he is boring. He's not.

They don't get that he likes to put his things away, in his kitchen cupboard, clean and tidy and for them to still be there when he next needs them. Not find them on the kitchen top dirty or worse disappeared altogether. They don't get that he likes to know his food will be on the shelf, in the fridge, when he wants something to eat and not out on the top, with vodka jelly shots in its place. They think that makes him OCD. It doesn't. Well not much.

They don't get that walking down to the kitchen, to be confronted by a stranger an overnight visitor coming out of the room next door is very unsettling for him. This being the girl's fourth different "sleepover guest" in less than a fortnight he also found somewhat perplexing. They think that makes him a prude and/or sexist. Does it? For the record, he would feel the same if it was a boy doing the entertaining.

On Thursday their amorous activities led to him putting on his headphones and gaming/Skypeing, with a friend from home, to drown them out. His own volume control is poor at the best of times and with headphones it's non existent. This led another flat mate to call in the Resident Assistant to ask him to quieten down. He has a very strong sense of fair play and felt that this was not it. He tried to tell the flat mates how he felt. It did not go well. Ending in the late night phone call.

Goodness, this is not the post I sat down to write. That one involved.....

























.....smoked mackerel pate, lemon drizzle cake, roast chicken.....
























.....Autumnal crafting and a large amount of laundry!

On a more positive note, my boy is loving the academic side of university life. His enthusiasm for History was shining through in our lunch time chat, about this morning's lecture on the Industrial Revolution. He has joined the Tabletop Gaming society and enjoyed playing Settlers of Catan and King of Tokyo with a bunch of much more like minded people. It's unfortunate he wasn't assigned a flat with some of them. It's going to be a week of toughing it out, for both of us.

Waving to Sian and hoping that she, and all the other Mondayers, will forgive my heart on sleeve post today. Normal service will be resumed on Wednesday.

PS Still definitely not mentioning the rugby.

24 comments:

helena said...

good to hear he has found some friends and space to feel himself with the table top gamers - hoping the rest finds a comfortable resolution too so he can enjoy university life. Feeling for you both.

Sian said...

It's good to get it out :) That's what I love about all the Mondayers. we are good listeners.

With any luck the flatmates will burn themselves out soon and stop the "off the leash" behaviour. They can't keep it up all term. Surely. I'm sure you have already thought of any possible solution I could come up with, so all I can do is wish you all the very best and offer an ear should you need one!

Louise H said...

What a worry and stress for you. Schools have so much support for students with needs but it seems universities need to catch up. What a shame he can't be in accommodation with like-minded peers. I know you shouldn't have to but perhaps your son could have a small personal fridge in his room to avoid some problems. When I did my PGCE I ended up with ALL my food, cutlery, crockery etc in my room due to a couple of people who thought if it was there it was ok to use. It was the only way I could guarantee having food left.
And we are always here when you need to offload x

Maggie said...

Oh Fiona I do feel for you. It must be so hard but well done you for helping him so well on the phone and also for being able to share your worries. On a positive note as helena says how good that he likes the course and that he has found some friends and that he knows he has you at the end of a phone. The fridge in the room sounds a good idea.
There are student support services in all universities. Would he speak to them? Or perhaps you could if the problem continues. Is there any flexibility in changing flats?
I will keep my fingers crossed for him.

debs14 said...

Oh how my heart goes out to you (and him) what a worry for you all. At school there is so much understanding and support for those with additional needs and I do worry that it doesn't continue once they leave. The university must have known that he would need to be in a smaller flat share situation, why on earth didn't student services take that into consideration. He isn't alone in wanting his own things where he left them, in a clean condition. My daughter hated that people ate her food and used her mugs etc and resorted to keeping some things in her own room just for her peace of mind. Unfortunately, there will always be those students who go off the rails given the first bit of independent living away from home, hopefully that will burn itself out after a while. The important thing is for him to find like minded people, which is what he seems to be doing, cultivate those friendships so that when they start thinking about where they will live next year, he will have a group of friends he is comfortable with and who understand him.
You should draw strength that he had the sense to ring you up and help him rather than store it all up on his own and whilst that phone call must have been horrendous, at least you were helping him deal with what he found an intolerable situation. If he continues to be unhappy, do not hesitate to contact the university confidentially, he needn't know you've called them but with them knowing he has Aspergers you are fully justified in registering your concern.

Julie Kirk said...

Goodness... I feel for you, I do. I've worked with students with Asperger's on campus and can completely understand all the points you've made. I used to let one of my students sound-off to me even though it wasn't strictly my role. I used to think of it as being a safe person he could practice interactions with [not that he knew that's how I saw it!]

Like Deb says - it was great that he phoned you - and better still that it helped. I hope there's a way around this - what a difference an understanding set of housemates would make.

And I agree that you should be able to get support from Student Services in some way, there should be something available [counselling etc ... I know our Uni provides it - I even had some while I was a student there!]

Here's hoping for a steady improvement.

My not so simple life said...

Oh no! Oh love I feel so much for you all :( I remember how hard I found it and I didn't have the additional needs your poor boy does. Can they not move him in with the others he does get on with? Or into mature housing? They can't expect him to carry on like that. Keeping everything crossed something gets sorted soon. (and for the record I agree with him on the overnight guest situation)

KraftyKaren said...

It sounds awful - I hated the three years that I lived in the nurses home, I have a low tolerance level to tvs blaring out and that bass 'boom boom' from other people's music. It must be a nightmare for him.

I think others have suggested it but might be worth seeing if there is some kind of student support officer - is there a possibility that he could move accommodation? I had about three room moves when I lived in until I was in a part of the nurses home that suited me best.

Hugs to you - glad he felt able to ring home and talk about it xx

alexa said...

Gosh, what a difficult time you have had, and how wonderful he has a Mum in whom he can have such trust and faith ... I think all the possible helpful ways forward have been thought of by you or others already, so I will just send my warmest good wishes and encouragement. The most important thing is that he keeps going, and doesn't avoid or withdraw. And it's time those young men/women remembered everything they were taught at school about respecting and celebrating difference.

Julia said...

Oh wow! Fiona what a tough week you've had. It's hard for any parent to wave their child off to Uni but for you doubly so. I'm so glad the phone call helped and just shows what an amazing mum you are. I agree with others about speaking with student services. So pleased he is enjoying the course though and has found some like minded people in his extra-curic activities. Keep pressing that post button, we are here for you x

Lunch Lady Jan said...

Oh Fiona, I'm sorry to hear about this. As the others have said, surely you can ring student services and see if something can't be done to help the situation. I'm really glad to hear he's enjoying the course though.
Hugs, LLJ xxx

Patio Postcards said...

What a difficult situation for you to have to deal with at such a distance. Some comfort can be found, I am sure, in that he has such a trust for your listening, understanding and ability to help him begin to work through. We have a family member with Asberger's and he's really struggling with high school and he also relaxes through gaming and I certainly don't find him boring. Sending lots of positive energy thoughts to you and hoping that hurricane Joaquin doesn't blow them out!!

PS - I agree with Sian, we Monday Wavers are good listeners :)

This West London Life said...

Oh my. I'm late to this post and I read every word with a heavy heart. I do hope that by time things have settled re the flatmate situation. Is he able to move flats at all? I wouldn't be too happy having to listen to Miss Socialite all evening, either! I don't believe that shared kitchens ever work properly - someone always thinks that they can take/do as they want - workplace kitchen areas can be just as annoying, can't they? Thank goodness he called you, even though it must have been horrendous to deal with. I'm sending you a big hug.

Jane said...

I think I would feel the same about my stuff and their activities, what a shame x

Sheena said...

I'm so sorry to hear this & I'm so glad he called you
Hope this week goes better for him & pleased he's loving his course xxx

Ladkyis said...

I am sending you an armful of cwtches (like hugs but welsh) These can be used at any time when you or anyone in your family need the thought of contact with someone who cares.
I have no advice on what you can do to improve his situation but if you need someone to hold your coat while you go into battle then I am there for you.
I would probably be in there reading the riot act with my voice climbing ever higher until I could only be heard by dogs so it's just as well he has you going to bat for him.

Helen said...

oh, Fiona! I hope your boy is ok now and feels more settled soon. So hard, at a distance too, to help him; well done you... Hope his flatmates learn to understand his ways and needs. Sending hugs.

Sandra said...

Oh Fi, I'm sorry to hear this. I feel like I want to go and give a shake to his flat mates. It must be difficult for you too. I hope this gets resolved soon, but I'm pleased to hear he has found some like minded friends. Sending love to you all xxx

Lisa said...

Oh Fiona, I'm so sorry to read this post. I've not blogged for a good while now and also not read some either...

I hope things get sorted out for S very soon and that they can relocate him to a residence where there are some people who are more respective of him.

Much hugs being sent your way for being such a wonderful and caring mum

Lisa
xxxxxxxxx

Jo said...

I felt so sad reading this, I do hope his flatmates become more understanding and less judgmental xx

Simone said...

A heart wrenching post. Is there anyway he could be moved to be with his new like-minded friends? I hope that things settle down for him over the coming weeks. x

Cheri said...

My daughter Becca has generalized anxiety disorder and, although it isn't Asperger's, she shares many of the same issues (people taking or moving her stuff, excess noise and chaos). I've had many of those phone calls where she is hysterical and crying and has to be talked down - it isn't fun and I feel and share your pain. But I've also had the same type of phone calls from my other girls who don't have any mental health diagnoses. Having to room with strangers is just plain stressful. I do echo others who have suggested that moving him into a flat with others who aren't into the party scene might ease a lot of his anxiety. Whatever you end up doing, I hope he finds the appropriate coping mechanisms and is able to settle into his studies without further incident. And give yourself a lot of credit and a big hug for being a fantastic mother!

Susanne said...

Oh, I'm sure that late night phone call was tough on you. Glad that you were able to meet up with him in person after that and I hope he is able to better cope as the weeks go by. There have been news articles lately saying that many 18 year olds are not as ready for college as they should be. I think it has to do with the faster pace of growing up now, compared to when we were that age.

Doesn't the college do any kind of matching up of roommates based on tastes, habits and interests? They do here, and even though it is not a guarantee, it usually takes care of the really big issues. Stay strong - both of you.

Gail said...

Oh Fiona, I'm so sorry he's having to go through this. It's good that he likes the academic side and has found some friends. I hope the flat part eases up soon. Is it too late to arrange a change?