Although it somehow turned into a fortnight.
It’s been a pretty tough couple of weeks around here. Aspergers is the kind of thing that bubbles just under the surface and I never quite know when it is going to erupt. I just know that it will. The triggers are many and varied. I’ve got to know what a lot of them are over the years and learnt to organise things, the best I can, to minimise the likelihood of a meltdown. They can still take me by surprise though.
It’s very hard to watch my lovely boy being taken over by a rage, so strong that he has no control. It hurts to have him scream and shout at me, even though I know he doesn’t really mean it. In that moment it feels like he does. I can’t always prevent my daughter from witnessing these outbursts. I know how distressing she finds it and I feel like I’m failing them both. It makes me feel helpless.
This is the worst time of year in many ways. Returning to school, for the Autumn term, after such a long summer break. It takes that much longer to get back into the routine. Just as we begin to settle in, it’s time for another week off and that sets us back again. Then it’s Bonfire Night, which is no fun when you can’t bear loud (and often unexpected) noises.
Next there is Christmas to look forward to and that brings challenges of its own. It creates an atmosphere, which can be unsettling, when it should be exciting. As the end of term approaches, classes become a little more relaxed and sometimes teachers provide a DVD, quiz or other ‘treat’. This can be an absolute nightmare for a child who struggles with any change in routine and needs the reassurance of the usual boundaries for behaviour.
I do everything I possibly can to keep things on an even keel at home, but the school day is totally out of my hands. Any unexpected thing could prove to be a catalyst. He almost always manages to hold things together while he is at school. It will all pour out, within moments of him walking through door. We are his ‘safe place’, where he can let go of it.
After a meltdown, he often feels physically unwell and always feels terrible for the upset he causes everyone. It’s heart breaking, it really is.
This post is not meant to be a pity party, but I felt like I couldn’t blog about anything else, until I had put this down in words. If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading. Normal service will be resumed shortly and I’ll be back to comment on all your blogs very soon.